Testimony
My name is Tiffany – I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ, I have overcome abuse, depression, loss, death, drugs/alcohol, & sexual immorality. I still struggle with all of that, plus fear, , procrastination & unrealistic expectations.
I was born on a Thursday December 10th, 1981 in Kaufman, Texas one day when my mother's water had
broke 3 weeks early. It makes sense because I love being early for things! I was a really happy and smiley baby from what I'm told. But born into a world of depression-my mom had deep-rooted pain that resulted in me having a very traumatic childhood. Regardless of being born into trauma, my mom named me after the diamond store in New York called TIFFANY'S - because she says I'm a jewel and I deserve the world's best and am more valuable than all the world's largest diamonds! I did not always get treated as such by her, but the important thing is she gave me a wonderful name that would have glorious meaning though out my entire life.
There is a saying that “a mother is god in the eyes of a child.” This is true for me still today because no matter how much my mom hurts or disappoints me still to this day I'm such a sucker for her and will do anything to help her with whatever she needs, but when I was little, I especially developed the belief that my mom was a reflection of the true character of God; critical, judging, unforgiving, bitter and always hateful or angry with me and calling everyone "the devil" when they do the slightest thing wrong in her eyes, including me.
The circumstances that happened before I was born is what was blamed for. My mom and dad were married and once she got pregnant, things changed and she demanded my dad stop using marijuana. Well, he had been doing it his whole life and refused to quit, it led to a big fight ( the violent kind ) and they separated and divorced before I was born. This breakup, she took out on me everyday. I am blessed that she stood up for me and my right to grow up in a drug-free environment. But it did not go as she planned, and he immediately found another partner. They got pregnant also, with twins, that were born 5months after me. My mom couldn't handle it or let it go. This sent her into a downward emotional spiral that she never recovered from. Bitterness, misplaced anger, tears, hate, fits of rage, verbally, mentally, physically abusive to me, spontaneous explosive episodes of bipolar depression that consisted of her screaming and / or laying in bed in the dark for days at a time.
There were SOME good memories, it's just that the bad ones were so extreme. No healthy balance, I was
NOT shown proper discipline, love & nurturing was demonstrated very little. I got stitches in my forehead one day for spilling nail polish on her bathroom rug- she threw me up against her metal bed frame..I would get locked in my room for days for being a “bad” child and she used to say that I was the devil. She used to tell me she wished I was never born, and one day while driving over a bridge, she mentioned driving off of it told me that it sounded like a good idea because life is just not worth living. I would get unexpectedly slapped in the face for no reason of anything I had done, sometimes right after she would talk about God. She had a lot of anger towards God. I spent many years being mad at Him too, just like her. One reason was for not giving me a better mom.
PSALM 46:1 says, “ God is our refuge & strength, a very. present.help in trouble.” Psalm 68: 19 Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.
At 13 years old, after visiting with my Aunt Virginia and cousin Brittany during my summer break, I refused to go back home. There was no possible way I could bring myself to do it after I experienced how nice the home environment was there. It was pure determination to not have to go back to the abuse. I was desperate & willing to do anything to not have to go back. First time I stood up for myself. My mom got so mad and showed up and drug me by my hair out of their house, but my aunt called the police and CPS on my mom and so I got to stay. This was a house of peace, nurturing and where I got to just be a kid. My financial needs got met, as well. And I absolutely cherished, and still do to this day, my younger cousin Brittany.
Up until this point, I believed God existed. But, I did not know about His love for me. All I knew was He allowed my mom (the only person in life that was supposed to love me unconditionally) to treat me horribly for years, and as a result, I believed satan's lie that it must be because I did not deserve love; I completely internalized it hard core deely etched it inside my being that I wasn't of any value, wasn't wanted by anyone nor would I ever be. I believed I should not have been born, like my mom said. This lie took a deep root. Guilt & shame derived from my mom losing my dad because of me and a dad that didn't think I was more important than his pot. I turned my back on God & anyone who tried to introduce me to Him. Told myself I didn’t need Him. I was mad at a made-up version of God & did not understand why He allowed certain things to happen. Little did I know I was refusing the only one that had sacrificed himself for me in hopes that I would one day accept His love.
Psalm 118:22 22 The stone which the builders rejected Has become the chief cornerstone
Lack of a male role model means that I craved attention from guys & became sexually active early
On. One day I came home, though, and my dad was sitting on the couch. I was excited and felt
wanted. I moved to Tyler with him to get to know him. It was like a dream come true. Not long after moving, though, I felt more unloved than when I first arrived. He was still smoking pot, even offering it to us to smoke with him, & he allowed my step-mom to favor my siblings unfairly and did not take up for me. Perhaps I am beginning to see why my mom fought so hard to keep me from this. Even though, I still don't ever regret meeting them and love all my family members dearly no matter what has happened or whatever family issue we might have between us.
My 16 year old half sister found herself in some trouble and was pretty wild, but I still adored her. I'm not sure if it was because of me or the changes that occurred after I moved in with them, but my dad and stepmom ended up separating and I could not handle the painful breakup, so, back to Dallas I went.
At 17, immediately after returning, I met my 1st husband –we will refer to him as CRG. It was wrong from the start and full of lust, but I didn't care. He was the only one showing me a lot of attention, haha. I was so very blind & naiive to the extent of the future damage I would sustain because of my decision to remain in this relationship. I immediately became pregnant & gave birth to Noah Christopher Daniels on 2/17/2000 at 18 years old. I experienced love to the fullest for the first time upon holding him -one that meant I would do anything – even die -for this little person.
We got married in 2021 and then came our second son in 2002 Julion Lance. Another beautiful baby boy. We were so proud. However, at 6 weeks old, Julion got very sick and had to be admitted to Children's Hospital due to para influenza -his lungs had collapsed and he could not breathe well- basically he had obtained a respiratory infection that turned bad quickly into pnuemonia. We practically lived on the NICU unit for the next 6 weeks, only taking short trips home to shower or pack another bag. He fought for his life, but right at the time that his lungs were showing signs of healing, his brain started to bleed as the result of a side effect of the machine he was on called an ECHMO machine. We had to make the decision on pull the plug or keep him on life support. The doctors and nurses explained it to us in such a way that made it seem as though it were useless to keep him alive. They said that he will not last past 5 years old, that he will be in a wheelchair, and, among many other health issues, wouldn't be able to recognize or acknowledge me, us or his family. “Why put yourselves or him through that?” they said.....”Just put an end to his suffering and let him go in peace” they said. And so, the young parents we were, confused, scared, traumatized and in shock, decided to take their advice. We made the very difficult decision to take him off the life support, he was gone within the next hour, and I could not bring myself to hold him but I forever remember the picture in my mind of his little body in the incubator after his spirit had left him. I still wonder to this day if we made the right choice. Biggest hurt of my life I will never really get over, that's for sure. I could not fathom HOW or WHY GOD would allow a newborn helpless little baby to suffer the way he had suffered and then, after all that suffering, he still died. It sent me on a dark road & I pushed it down. I pushed it way down. So far, that I pretended it wasn't real – that it didn't happen. At the funeral, I just sat there the whole time like I was in some dream. I blamed myself & figured this must be my punishment. Why did an innocent newborn baby have to lose his life? What kind of God would do that to me or that baby? Words cannot describe what I felt or was going through-there were so many things, but it all quickly turned into denial and a numbing of parts of my heart. If I was disagreeing to a relationship with God before, I definitely was now, for sure. Didn't want anything to do with Him.
I never started to allow myself to mourn Julion's death until about 2 years ago. Through extreme flashbacks & visions so intense, I felt as though I was right back in that hospital room the day he died in 2002 watching him turn purple from lack of oxygen after we had just pulled the plug on him. I can hear the Holy Spirit telling me to deal with this now- now I am emotionally ready to handle the pain, before I was not equipped.
Genesis 50:20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. Romans 5:3-4 We rejoice in our sufferings,
knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character
produces hope.
We went on to have 2 more beautiful sons: Elijah Rhome and Isaiah Carmel. Wonderful blessings that have been great sources of love and joy for me. My husband was there off and on through our marriage, spending half in and out of jail. I started to lose respect for him-he was a con-artist, untrustworthy, a liar, cheater, thief and an abusive alcoholic who wanted to drink and then fight all the time. Partying was life to him, so we drank often, which means we fought often, too. It is very sad what all I allowed for an undeserving man. It is crazy that, for so long, I believed he was all I deserved. I assumed abuse meant love. There were a few times I tried to leave him but he was possessive, jealous, and controlling, he would always make threats, do something to my car, or to take the kids and run away, I lived in fear. One night, I was almost drug into a lake, and one time my face was beaten so bad it had looked like I was in a bad car accident. Police reports, domestic violence, family assault, etc..It went on and on. The cycle of manipulation and dysfunction only made me more sick & spiritually bankrupt. I finally took the boys in 2008 to Tyler where my dad and brothers promise to protect us, but not before receiving one last act of violence where I was punched in my mouth. We were there long enough for him to find a new partner and moved on.
My family and I were all addicts, and the family in Tyler were no different. After my sister tried to plant her drugs on me one night & my dad took her side, then he also wouldn't stop offering me more weed and beer, I couldn't handle the disappointing events. It wasn't so much them, it was just that I was at a point in my life where I needed and was yearning for someone to show me good and decent people still exist, I needed to see healthy influences but I was not getting that anywhere. So, back to Dallas we went.
By this time, I was pretty convinced that there were no healthy people if my own family was so treacherous. I just wanted to scream. Did no one know how to love? Everyone ended up disappointing me. I decided to go right into the path the devil wanted and I, in a total state of rebellion, decided that if the world is bad, I am going to be bad right along with it. I gave up any expectations I had of any goodness and lived by a “every good thing must come to an end” type of mentality. I accepted terrible people and evil things like it was no big deal anymore. It no longer shocked me. (Looking back, it wasn't true, it was just God's way of trying to get me to reach out to him.) I was drawn to a world of heavy lust, promiscuity, and had many sexual partners of which I never connected with on any level except for a sexual one. What is the point? Given the opportunity, they would greatly hurt me, so I used them first. I kept running towards all toxic things; each choice I made becoming more harmful than the last. I was on a slowly self-destructing path, pulled towards sin. I was a risk-taker, and with no longer being married after being married from the age of 18 to 27, I felt I never got a chance to just live and be free. I over-did life and knew no boundaries. The closest I would get to a few minutes of “fake love” is the pleasure derived from a sexual encounter. The intimacy would fool my mind into thinking I had to have it. I suffered from sexual addiction, no doubt, and it made me constantly throw all my values and morals out the window. It was definitely my idol & I worshiped the act of it. I spent time running the streets with different groups of people. Whatever they were into, I would adapt myself to their “world” becoming a part of it, sometimes, just for curiousity and fun. I jumped into dating relationships faster than the speed of lightening, but my co-dependent, jealous, emotionally scarred and totally insecure mind-set made it over as soon as it started.
Matthew 7:14 says” The gate is small & the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it”.
One night, I was raped.....I wasn't sure how to feel about it b/c I was so messed up already this
was just another thing to add to my list. I was in shock b/c it happened, for one, yes, but blamed
myself for being at the wrong place at the wrong time and with the wrong people. I wanted to
pretend it didn't happen. Satan had me believing I was promiscuous anyway, right? I must've
brought it on myself. But I reported it. Turns out that man was a serial rapist. I was able to
provide them with information that led to a conviction. I never participated in the trial, but they used my audio recording as a staement in the court hearing, and so I know he was forced to have to answer to his actions. I isolated afterwards & tried to forget about it.
From the age of 27 to 31, I had to also, in between all of this, learn how to live as a single mom
as their dad began to be less and less involved. He vindictively hurt our kids to hurt me. The
boys were 8, 4, & 3 years old when we separated. There is no pain like watching your children go
through abandonment. I had not healed from mine yet, much less know how to heal them. I
struggled financially, couldn't hold down a job, people were unreliable. It was hard. We had to live in shelters, or with different friends in different places and crammed with little space.
I was able to get into a condo. Their dad tried to come back for about a month and pretended he wanted to get back together-I thought we were going to “work things out” and be a family again.. I didn't really want that I just was having unrealistic expectations that he might have changed. STUPID for thinking that. He ended up going back to his pregnant girlfriend, stole one of the only pictures I had left of our
son Julion, and we came home one day to notice our living room flat-screen TV was missing. Our
neighbors informed us that it was my ex-husband. My kids now had no cartoons to watch at
home b/c their own dad stole their TV from them!
1 Timothy 5:8 says, “ if anyone does notprovide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faithand is worse than an unbeliever. “
My heart ached for my kids. I had extreme rage, hate, racing thoughts of vengeance, and high
levels of uncontainable anger. I stopped caring and that is when the closest nearby “Meth crowd
of people” found me. { Satan hunts the hurting like a mountain lion detects vulnerabilities in their
prey, attacking them at their weakest- Our enemy hunts with that exact same instinct-with a
cold-hearted and ruthless hunger for the weak or hurting. He prowls like a roaring lion, seeking
to devour. ( 1st Peter 5:8 ) and b/c he is clever, he spends a lot of time among of the suffering,
lying in wait with his lies, wanting to consume the young, fragile, vulnerable, sick and injured. ) }
I realized that the meth helped me control these extreme feelings. But also, began to neglect my
kids, a part of it that I didn't know came with the territory until it was too late. I wasn't prepared,
either, for how addicting it was. We did it everyday. All my friends now did it too and I was only
around someone if they had it. I met Nicholas Orta, my 2nd husband, in the midst of this. Soon
after we began dating, I lost my kids to CPS custody, something I never thought would happen to
me or my kids. It was heart-breaking, excruciatingly painful to live with myself after I let happen
to them the exact same thing I was mad at everybody else for in my life that had hurt me- I had
become them. It was hard, at this point, not to become suicidal.
Romans : 7:15, 18 - I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing
Nick was there and stayed with me after they were gone. He stuck around instead of leaving when
times got tough. He sincerely comforted me in one of my deepest darkest periods in life, he was there for me, my issues did not scare him or run him off, but he did give me freedom and respect to "just be" in my really difficult moments. There were moments I really struggled with dark thoughts and he patiently waited for me to come back around and let them pass. I washeavily in depression from the kids being gone a lot of days but again, he genuinely would just hug me and let me cry on his shoulder, and then always told me, “Everything is gonna be okay”....I did that a lot and he didn't seem to mind. I don't know if it was possible to fall in love with someone in the midst of your sickness, but I sure as heck did. Perhaps I was just drawn to his sensitive, caring spirit. He was very different than anyone, that's for sure, and in a way I really grew to appreciate.
I had even went out partying one night without him and he still didn't leave me. But it might have
had something to do with the fact that I ended up OD'ing and almost dying and was in the hospital and maybe he felt sorry for me. I had overdosed on the known date-rape drug called GHB. This stuff is so potent that everyone is always warned before taking it that you are only supposed to drink a very small amount and you cannot take more than that amount until it has been hours later. I was aware of this, & had done this drug before - but this time and in this particular situation, it was as if satan himself was
telling me that if I wanted to keep feeling this euphoric, then I should drink more- so I did – He told
me “Surely, you won't die” I ended up downing the entire water bottle full of it. Next thing I
know, I am waking up in a hospital room with doctors and nurses surrounding me looking very
alarmed- they couldn't believe I had survived. . I had tubes coming out and going in everywhere
so I couldn't speak and tears immediately rolled down my face b/c it was all I could do at the
moment face the fact that I had messed up big time. I don't think I died although they told me
they found me with my lips turned blue and my organs had almost completely shut down. I know
the devil is a murderer and the king of death, but thank God that God is the author and finisher
of life and has the power to overcome death.
Psalm 68:20 Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign LORD comes escape from death.
I wish I could say this is when I stopped all drugs but I only stopped doing THAT drug and went
back to using Meth ( me and Nick ). Although, deep down I wanted to quit long before I actually
did. I lost my apartment and we moved from one house to the next. We did this for about a year
but something was changing inside of me. My near-death experience had left me wanting
answers such as WHY? Why in God's name was I brought back? If I believed still that I was
undeserving of anything good, ( like I had my whole life ) and if I believed still that this is what
God thought also, then it didn't make sense to me and I wanted answers. A seed had been
planted, and I slowly began to desire to get to know God for the first time, maybe, in my whole
life. I wish it hadn't took me almost losing my life to finally desire God, but I was stubborn. Aren't we all?
I wasn't quite ready to accept His love fully, but I was starting to think maybe God wasn't such a
condemning God, after all. Thank God He did allow me another shot at life, or I wouldn't be writing this and you would never know my story, and thank God that He saw potential even through my long-term defiance against Him. My hard-headedness has transformed into steadfast loyalty & determination.
So, with this growth happening inside me spiritually, but not yet born again, I began to try to
convince Nick that we should quit drugs and get sober together. I told him I'm done and I miss
my kids and I am ready to begin the long journey it takes to get them back. He said one thing
and did another. He was not ready. He was not done. But I was serious, so one morning he woke
up and I was gone. I went to go stay with another man – a man that had got in my head – he
promised me he would help me get clean and that he would help me get my kids back. I was
gullible and desperate b/c I knew nothing about any rehabs at this time. After a few weeks, I
realized he just wanted to get me away from Nick, he did not help me get clean and gave me
more drugs, he did NOT help me get my kids back and became abusive and controlling. I knew I
had made a mistake so I left him.
Wanting to retract my previous decision, I begged Nick tocome back. He did, but right after we were back together, we realized I was pregnant. I was so ashamed. What in the heck business do I have having another child and I cannot even take care of my other children? Worst off, I wasn't sure which one was the father. I wanted it to belong to Nick whom I loved, but was afraid it was it was the other guys'. Nick knew deep down that there was a possibility it wasn't his child b/c I was honest about sleeping with the other guy while we were broken up, but I think he was in denial about it b/c he wanted
it to be his.
Can you believe that? Part of my downfall with men in my life were that they did not take responsibility for their actions as fathers, and here was a guy that not only was ready to take that responsibility head on, but was actually going to be sad and upset if the baby wasn't his. I was in awe of him because, in my mind and as far as I was concerned, he was one of the most sweetest, caring, tender-hearted man I had ever met- he got it, like he understood what was truly important deep down, all the other BS aside.
I still was in search of a new life believed this baby was a symbol of that new life. I
wasn't going to let happen to this baby what happened to my other children so I had to do
something! Time was running out.
Finally, another addict told me about Nexus Recovery Center- she said they were wonderful and
that I should go there. She said they 'd take care of me and my baby. This is it-the sign I had
been looking for. I called them, they said come, so I did. Once your will lines up with God's will, it
is a very magnificent thing!! Big shout-out to Nexus for being there for me and so many other
mothers, children and being the reason that I found hope and meaning again. They were
nurturing, set boundaries for me- EXACTLY what I needed. They taught me about my disease &
why I am an addict, how to prevent it later moving forward, & that, underneath it all, I needed to
face my emotional baggage before the desire to use would even begin to fade away- they broke it
all down for me and it just felt amazing. N/A was a whole new world to me & was so glad I had found it.
Finding out that I wasn't the only one struggling and that there are numerous others just like me was one of the most freeing realizations. I am forever in debt to Nexus and N/A program, but underneath it all,
it was the foundation of my growing relationship with Jesus Christ going on at the same time that
made my recovery so successful. Once I tasted how sweet it is to be loved by Jesus after an
entire life of rejection, how he rebuilds us and restores us was and still is unbelievably
remarkable and beautiful. Everything about Him is Love- and it all comes down to love.
Nexus drove us to church- I was a pro-crastinator, I didn't think I was ready to find out about God
yet and wanted to take things slow- but I saw how excited the other girls were so I wanted to see
what that was all about. God was calling me to him. Have you ever been afraid to do something
b/c you figured that once you did, you might like it and liking it would change your whole life?
God knew what He was doing. I walked in for the first time and just kind of wandered off by
myself looking around soaking in the beautiful building and structure, reading the words on the walls about the different ways that this church wants to help you with what you're going through.
A lady saw me and noticed that I was new, she felt compelled to come up to me and introduce
herself. She asked me some questions and I started crying telling I was in Rehab (plus I had a
big ole belly & was clearly pregnant ) and wanted a better life but I was scared and didn't know
what I was doing or how to get there and feared going back to what I knew. She told me about
life groups, different ministries and welcomed me to get plugged in. I am very grateful to this
lady and still see her every once in awhile and always give her a huge smile and hug to this day.
It was the words displayed on the big screens in this auditorium of the beautiful and glorious
gospel songs that described Jesus' true character that spoke to my heart and made me born
again and fall right in love w/ Jesus. The words on these screens described a God that was loving,
understanding, patient, compassionate, and that would never give up on me. If this was true,
then that means he was there the whole time during my whole life and I chose to look the other
way. I was so remorseful, humbled, apologetic, yet, I didn't have to dwell on that b/c He already
forgave me. None of it mattered; I was HIS now. I belong to Him. I became even more intrigued
with each bible lesson, eager to learn more at each study group, and the new relationships that I
formed with fellow believers was amazing b/c I found myself surrounded by people that were
concerned about following God and godly things, honorable things, noble, Christ-like, kind,
helpful, dependable, the list goes on. This church and the body in it are serious about their walk
and I love that.
Jacob Orta was born Oct. 7th, 2013 while living at Nexus. Nick & I went to Dallas Life Foundation,
joined their 10-month long New Life Program, and got married. It was insane to get married while
living in a shelter, but I was a baby Christian, and still had a lot of work to do in the area of
dating & relationships. Jacob turned 6 months old when we got paternity results, Nick was not the
father. What a mess this turned out to be I never meant to hurt anyone yet here I was hurting
people. Words will never descibe how awful and sick to my stomach I felt knowing that I hurt someone so sweet loving caring as Nick was. How could I have done this?
Nick and Jacob had this crazy bond from day one – they weren't blood related but you couldn't tell by the way they interacted with each other. I use to love seeing them together. This
is what made it so hard to accept. Nick didn't treat Jacob different but he did me. I had hurt him
too bad this time and there was no going back. There was relapsing, secrets, PTSD, lying, lots of
denial & avoidance of the real issue, infidelity & abandonment all on his part- after I reached a
breaking point, I boldly told God to take my heart and take complete control of it -If this is what
happens when I am in charge of it, then I don't want it. I cried, but the next morning I no longer
had a desire to be with him or work things out. I accepted the reality of what I needed to do & let
it go & God had blessed me for it.
So here came divorce #2. It came to my attention that I needed to work on healing. Not only
from this divorce, but the first one, too, b/c I never healed from that one before I jumped into the
next one. What was really neat about attending the Divorce Care class at our Rockwall campus, was that it did help me heal tremendously, and it was as if I was doing enough healing for both of
my previous marriages at the same time. They taught us how really it takes many years to
properly heal from a divorce-consider like open heart surgery that it how serious it is. My favorite
thing they said was, “If you don't heal from your previous relationship, you will attract someone
with the exact same issues as you, causing more pain to occur on top of the already existing
pain, resulting in you now having to work twice as hard to be restored, & also resulting in you
missing out on the right person God has for you.”
I have such a passion for this topic. I have an
immeasurable amount of stories of toxic relationships in my past, but I strongly desire with God's
power to overcome that for good, plus God can still use me, Amen? . Matter of fact, I know
exactly why God blessed me with 4 sons- to provide me with 4 guys that will never give up on
me & will love me unconditionally their whole entire lives to show me I don't need to idolize men
or relationships & that this is a season of just focusing on being there for my kids. I have learned
a lot about healthy relationships from the Divorce class, Song of Solomon studies, my current
Book of Ruth study that is teaching us about being a woman of true loyalty, and also with
revelations from Christian dating books that I study and read.
It was around this time also that I did my steps for the first time with my sponsor. It took me a
long time & I procrastinated, but I was frightened for no reason as it was so freeing afterwards.
In the 4th step I learned my biggest character defects ( fear,co-dependency & unrealistic
expectations ) - I only addressed what I could handle at that time and my wonderful sponsor
Katie Palmeri was patient and kind -she spoke to me like a tender but stern loving parent
would.Just her willingness alone to help me face my demons was important & huge. No one had
ever gone to such great lengths with me before. I had doubted at first if the program would help
me, but I'm here to testify that N/A works.
Some of the great benefits I have received from the
program are: the desire to no longer to use, an urge to take responsibility for my part in
everything I face now so as to learn how to do it differently next time, & what it looks like to let
my talk match my walk. I have come to believe 110% that, yes God is all you need, but God also
created the people that created N/A and, without those steps, you will NOT get answers as to why you are the way you are- and if you don't know what the real problem is, you cannot fix it.
To testify to all the great works God has done in me, through me and for me –there isn't enough
time for it all....I do my best to share the Good News with the world and always profess my faith
& devotion to Jesus, & I always make sure everyone around me sees it too.
I received custody back of my sons in February 2017 after a difficult 3 year long custody battle- a
battle that scared me half to death every day that I was in it, but I kept fighting. Even if I had
lost the battle, atleast my sons would have seen how hard I fought and that I didn't give up on
them. Since then, we are still adjusting, but every rough patch brings us stronger as a famiIy. I
did a bible study of Praying Circles around Your Children that has helped me know the importance
of praying for their future. I am always getting new revelations of a new area in my life that God
wants me to address & I strive everyday to be a better person than I was yesterday, a better
parent, a better daughter, a better friend, & a better servant.
I was able to start college classes for a Business Degree – and after doing the 40-day prayer
challenge with some fearless women of God, it awakened something in me to see endless
possibilities & has motivated me to find my purpose & passion. I have dreams of opening a
domestic violence shelter where I can pour into ladies about Jesus' sacrificial-type-of-love. It will
be setup to assist victims of physical abuse, and also to cater to victims that are addicts, as well.
God helped me understand & accept what a mental disorder was & that my mom had a sickness:
Bipolar + Schizophrenia. She thought everybody was the devil, & had paranoia. I find myself
having to continuously forgive her when her behavior repeats itself. Having a mom like I have has
helped me realize how people relate to life differently. Breaking generational curses is something
important to be intent about. I have come to the conclusion that, as long as we don't spend too
much time together, we get along good with one another. I'll never forget the pain she inflicted,
but I have forgiven her and I still find myself feeling sometimes as that little girl who longs to be
loved & nurtured by her mother.
They say mental issues run in the family. But I refuse to let that define us in a negative light....I
focus on the good points of how we are- I remind myself that one day, just like me, all my
teenagers' defiance will transform into commitment to God; my general anxiety does cause me to
stay on top of things and be a person in preparation at all times, I am honest about simply
admitting that I have experienced major trauma in life. It is a gift in the sense that it gives me
better discernment at times. I try to teach my boys to embrace who they are not be ashamed of
it. Too many stigmas on mental illness, but we should be more comfortable talking about it
openly. There is nothing wrong with people that have them, only something that ails them.
I get along great with my dad now and speak to him often. He is truly a genuinely funny, cool, smart, and hard-working man that really loves his family. He takes up for each of his children, positively encourages us to do better, and is always only a phone call away to talk on the phone for multiple hours about anything and everything. I wish I could see my brothers and sisters more often but we just live far and separate lives but we get together when we can. The small amount of times we have been able to get together I make sure and take memorable pics. No matter what, I will always love and cherish each and every one of my family members with all my heart.
I am slowly dealing better each day with the death of my baby Julion. I am talking more about it
out loud these days and allowing the emotions and tears to run their course freely rather than
holding them back and pushing it down. I attended a couple of the Grief-share classes. There
definitely was healing in it, It was so intense, though. I realized that maybe I need to take it a little slower b/c I have aLOT of years of grief stuffed down. I just want to go at my own pace. I am
in no hurry. The grief will always be there. My goal is just to transform it. It does sound a little
crazy that I am just now mourning someone's death from the year 2002, but, to me, it feels
almost like it was yesterday. In my DV counseling, they say we get "stuck" emotionally at the time we were traumatized until we properly process our trauma. This is very true.
I have come to terms with the fact that God allowed it to happen for some reason that I don't
know but one day will. I had to forgive God. And learn to trust Him, even if this was the hardest
thing to let go of. There are a plethera of things I cannot see that He can. I know God suffered
with me in it and I hold onto the precious thought that God is taking great care of Julion as we
anticipate a reunion in Heaven, one day.
My family may have been very dysfunctional, but God showed me that they really do deep down
love me- they are just hurting. I started appreciating what my family did offer me: life lessons.
For, how can we, as humans, with such a sinful nature, ever grasp how wide, deep and long God's
goodness is, unless we have experienced what is not good?
I will have 9 years clean on June 6th, 2023. The term “more will be revealed” is so true. I
have done my steps for the 2nd time. God revealed many things to me that I was not ready to address the first time-There were major life events I had forgotten about and pushed
down and purposely forgot. But God.....said, “Nope, not so fast- I need you to remember these
things & deal with the pain once and for all to help someone else.” Not easy, but possible. I post
-poned on writing this testimony just like I did on doing my steps, but that is what God wants – us
to be uncomfortable...b/c He is planning to take us to higher places where we are going to
experience more uncomfortable things in the midst of it and so He wants us to be prepared.
1st Corinthians 13:13 says, “And now these 3 remain: FAITH, HOPE, & LOVE...
but the greatest of these is LOVE.
This is my testimony but I like to also call it my love story with Jesus- thank for letting me share it
with you!
Theophany is considered to be one of the Twelve Great Feasts of the year. Also known as Epiphany, this is the day that we celebrate the moment when Jesus was baptized in the Jordan River by John the Baptist. In Greek, the word “epiphany” means “showing forth” and indicates that this is the moment when Jesus Christ was revealed to be God. The feast day is formerly referred to as the Theophany Feast as the Epiphany of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Here’s more information about it:
